Welcome to my Recovery Page |
Hello, I just thought I should share with you a bit about myself. On the other pages of my site you find the things that I am involved with, what you don't see is why. Here you will.
I have been in recovery for a little over 6 years. "Recovery" you ask. Well "Recovery " to me is many things. I am a recovering addict. "Addict" you ask; "Addict" to me is many things also. I will tell you these things because I am not afraid to tell you who I am. Please if you read my words here keep an opened mind. Because I have lived a very painful life but I learned many lessons, good & bad but I learned them. Now Here I go.
Well when I was little a grew up thinking that it was okay to drink alcohol. My father would sit me on his lap to show his friends how much his little girl could drink. At 5 years old I was in the bars with him & everyone thought I was so cute.... All the time my Mom thinking I was at work with him or at a friends house. He made it nearly impossible for my Mom to have any control over me. Whenever se tried I would go and tell on her. And he would put a stop to it. You see he taught me that I did not have to listen to her much less have any respect. As I grew up I got worse I treated her very poorly & showed very little respect. When I was 11 I was molested by an uncle. The parent that stood up & said that it was not okay & it was not my fault was my Mom. The very person that I treated with contempt. Even after that I did not treat her any better. I was glad she believed me & protected me but I feel back into that teaching from my father that she had no say over what I did. At 14 my Mom left my father because she no longer could take the abuse from him to her & my sisters. At first I was okay with it because I was tired of watching him hurt them. I then began drinking on my own. It didn't get out of control for about 6 months. But I should have known that it would since I came from a long line of alcoholics. Anyway, As my disease progressed I was introduced to narcotics (different ones) I prefered alcohol but I did try some of the other things. At some point I quit being a good student and
started hardly attending class at all. In the middle of my freshman year I became a full blown alcoholic. I also had an eating disorder that helped get me down to about 94 lbs. I was sick but too sick to see it. I became one of those uncontrollable kids. I ran away more times than I can remember. I stayed drunk, refused to attend school, refuse help, refused therapy, refused anything good. during this time of self hate & destruct, I was raped, held at gunpoint, beaten, homeless, & lost. (some of these things happened at the same time & all of them happened at differant times.) I almost died because of a miscarriage & hemmoraging. But was that enough? NO!!
My Mom did everything she could think of to help & I got angrier because I felt she was causing it. ( Keep in mind that when my parents got divorced my Mom moved us several states away to protect us from the insanity of my father). After a little over a year of trying to save me she finally accepted she couldn't help me. The state was going to send me to a youth facility to keep me from harming myself or someone else. The day before I was being sent to this facility, My Mom made a deal with me that if I straightened up she would take me back to California. I agreed to the deal. I was nt perfect but I tried. I quit drinking & doing drugs for a few years. I went to school most of the time & I only got into a few fights. But I really tried to keep my word. Things were pretty good for about a year or so. I never really got back into the abusing myself part but I began drinking again, rarely got drunk. I found out I was pregnant. I straightened up again. I did not marry the father but we stayed together for awhile. I then decided that I needed someone that was mature. I got married to a man that beat me repeatedly. I stayed there for the abuse for a few months & finally got out. But in the mean time ent back to my old ways of hiding the pain. I completly hated myself for allowing myself to be a victim again. I stayed in my active disease of addiction & abuse for several years. At 23 years old I was tired of that life. I was living with another man that beat me & I left there with nothing but the clothes on my back & 1 change of clothes. I went to stay with an Aunt that was in a 12 step program. And in order to stay there I had to stay clean & sober. I did. I have not used since 1994. In recovery I have found a new way to live my life. I have made friends that don't use & my family stands behind me. I also learned that my Mom deserves respect & loved & she has become one of my best friends & my MOM. I made ammends to her for all the horrible things I put her through & I am grateful that I have her to help me with my son. I have a beautiful relationship with my son, & I got married to a wonderful man that knows all of these things about me & loves me anyway. He puts up with my fears & pain, as sometimes I have issues come up about the abuse from men. He tries very hard to be patient & help me walk through them. I am grateful that my higher power helped to bring him into my life.
I hope that this information about my life helps you to understand why I feel so strongly about abuse, addiction, rape, domestic violence & all that involves. Ihope this helps you to see why I believe that the hate & harm done to all living things has to end. I wish better things for my son. And I do not want him to see the things that I saw & lived.
"Recovery" to me that means recovery from all the bad things that happened to me or that I did to myself.
Please join me in my journey to help educate people that these things do nothave to happen & there IS help out there for anyone that suffers from any type of harm or pain. People, Plants or Animals. Please help Save a life: of a friend, loved one or someone you have never met.
There is help out there for anyone in need
National Domestic Violence Hotline